Have you ever noticed that when a friend or someone close to you has bad breath and you try to offer him a mint or some candy, they never accept it? I think this is because we are never very self conscious or want to avoid an embarrassing situation.
We all go through things like the uncomfortable feeling that our breath is not so fresh. Millions of dollars are spent by many people each year on mouthwash, mints, and other devices to protect colleagues, friends, and family from an offensive breath of a jaguar (as it is said in Brazil).
Keeping the breath fresh, however, does not always depend on a trip to the personal care sector of the local store. It may require radical treatment, even a surgical intervention! Whatever the cause of halitosis, the first step is to be prepared to discover your problem before it becomes a problem for another person. As disturbing as it may be, a friendly warning should be well accepted, coming or going.
This is also true of giving and receiving criticism. Recently a great friend noted that the worst defect in someone is one that the person himself does not perceive. Andre is right. My answer was that the solution would be to develop friendships that would enable friends to inform us about our faults and, us, theirs. Always the truth in love.
When I first arrived in Japan, someone from my congregation pointed out several flaws in both my preaching and myself. The funny thing was that the man had the worst breath in the parish! Instead of retaliating or trying to defend myself as I would in the flesh, I submitted to the Word. I looked at the old Japanese man and said, "If what you say is true, would you mind praying for me?"
Before we are harsh in judging our modern scribes and Pharisees, let us pause and look at our own legalism. Many of us Christians today go to church to find fault, gossip and critique. Warren Wiersbe, in his book Angry People, wrote:
An incident in the life of Joseph Parker, the great British preacher, illustrates this tragic truth. He was preaching at the Temple of the City in London. After the service, one of the listeners approached him and said: Dr. Parker, you made a grammatical error in your sermon. He then proceeded to point the error to the pastor, Joseph Parker looked at the man and said, "And what else did you get out of the message?" What an appropriate rebuke!
Last year while traveling abroad, I preached to a different cultural audience from mine, and I learned something new. I thought I was doing very well, but I was alerted to something I was not seeing. At the end of a Sunday morning service, a gentleman came to me, and said, "Reverend, I really enjoyed seeing your excitement and your Bible knowledge is really remarkable!" With that said, he handed me his business card with a note on the back: "You will lose the attention of the locals if you continue to shout and change your voice during preaching!" I was so angry! He burst my bubble! There I was, thinking I had rocked, and someone's telling me I'm wrong! (Oh Boy!) So I turned the card to see who he was, and on the other side was his name, the logo of a famous multinational company, and his position as Communication Specialist. Then I stopped and thought: this guy knows the subject; he applied the PPM on me! Something I had studied many years before, also long forgotten. PPM (Plus-Plus-Minus) is a technique for discussing or criticizing ideas. The basic rule: You must declare two positive points before declaring a negative point. This counteracts negativity, forcing the listener to focus first on the positive side of an idea. This practice is used in group dynamics. PPM encourages timid people to come up with ideas without fear of a barrage of criticism.
One of the rarest of management skills, and the most difficult to learn, is how to criticize constructively. Constructive criticism shows consideration for other people's feelings, invites suggestions, and attracts cooperation. When one can not find out how to criticize something constructively, the wiser thing to do is to keep one's mouth shut until one formulates a thought that exalts and edifies the criticized. Here's how Paul began the letter to Philemon: "All the good things that are in you, in Christ Jesus."
The criticism that begins by attacking and putting people in the position of having to defend themselves often transforms small problems into major offenses. Usually, the best way to start is with simple, friendly questions, questions that will give people the opportunity to explain their position without being offended and unaffected. Then, after listening carefully, suggest the changes you would like them to make; whatever they may be; and see what they think.
Do not require an immediate decision if it is not necessary, or if there is still substantial disagreement. Ask them to think about it. Tell them that you will also think about it. Later, if you still believe in the changes you want to make, join them again. Explain that you have thought carefully and still believe the idea is worth trying. Tell them that you have an obligation to give them a fair shot, and you are counting on them to do the same.
Another important point; when we have to criticize or question someone's actions or ideas, let's always look at his or her face. Discussing affectionately with the person involved produces bonds of tenderness. Talking openly to those we criticize is more honest and elegant than talking behind their back. Do not let him or her hear your secondhand criticism.
Do not write or say anything you do not subscribe to below. If you get a negative and anonymous rating, ignore it! If they are not willing to sign your name, it is not worth reading. Do not give importance to anonymity. Anonymity is immoral. A pastor received anonymous note with nothing but the word "FOOL!" written on it. The next morning he entered the church and said, "I've received many scraps without signatures before, but this is the first time I have one where someone forgot to write the note and only signed his name!"
For many of us, just hearing that someone said negative things about what we said or did can trigger acute emotional distress. It is as if the accusation, no matter what the merit, immediately penetrated our defenses, causing substantial damage to our self-esteem, that is, our vanity.
When we respond to criticism in a biblically correct way, we will no longer need to be victimized. We can experience firsthand one of the great promises God gives us in Scripture:
Every tool that is prepared against thee shall not prosper, and every tongue that shall rise up against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn; this is the inheritance of the servants of the Lord, and his righteousness which is from me, saith the Lord. (Isaiah 54.17)
Accepting criticism
Criticism is always difficult to accept, but if we receive it with humility and desire to develop our character, we can obtain the profit of piety. How not to accept the peppermint balloon? Only a fool does not profit when he is reprimanded for his mistakes.
When criticized, we should ask ourselves if the criticism contains any truth. If the answer is yes, we should learn from criticism, even if it does not have the right motivation and right spirit. Here are four suggestions:
(1) Listen to your friends - Face the matter immediately, and take it to God, asking him to remove all resentment or desire from criticizing. What's more, let him teach you the lessons you need.
(2) Check Your Breath - Remember that we are all great sinners and that the one who criticized us does not even know the beginning of our problems.
(3) Take the mint - If you have made a mistake or committed a sin, humiliate yourself and honestly confess to God and anyone you have hurt.
(4) Wash your mouth - Create a daily habit of willingness by learning again that you are not infallible and that you need the grace and wisdom of God every moment of the day to continue on the right path.
When we are criticized, let us accept what is true and act accordingly, making us stronger people.
Now as to him that is sick in the faith, receive him, not in strife with doubts. For one believes that one can eat everything, and another who is weak eats vegetables. He who eats does not despise what he does not eat; and he that eateth not, let him not judge what he eateth; because God received him for his sake. Who are you, who judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls. But he will be steadfast, for God is able to sign him. Romans 14. 1-4
When your critic's nose is completely wrong ...
Recently, a friend confided a "case." (And here I tell the world with the commitment to show the miracle but no, not the saint.) After a visit to the bathroom, when he bent to lift his pants, his tie and badge were accidentally dipped in the toilet before flushing, thus soiling his badge and tie without him noticing. Do not ask me how. As he continued through the day, he made several accusations about the breath or body odor of other people, only to then realize that the stench coming from himself. Sometimes people criticize and make comments as a way to deal with their own faults and shortcomings. Sometimes people comment and campaign for critical remarks, just out of sheer evil in their hearts.
The prophet Nehemiah was doing an effective job of rebuilding the destroyed walls of Jerusalem. His determined team was on schedule to complete the task in less time than expected. He had enthusiastic support from the vast majority of his people. However, Nehemiah was also the target of vicious criticism.
Two local residents, Sambalat and Tobiah, despised the Jews and mocked the wall. "Even a fox could knock him down," they said. When Nehemiah refused to intimidate or be distracted by this ridicule, Sambalat and Tobias expressed a dissatisfaction in his letter, and called for a meeting to discuss his objections.
Nehemiah's response was classic. He basically said, "I'm doing an important job and I do not have time to hear your complaints." This was not arrogant-it was clever. It was not irreverent - it was the wisest use of his time.
In my time as pastor, I had to learn to deal with criticism. In my younger years, any disagreement would bring me down. Friends and family spent considerable energy caring for my wounded ego. But eventually, experience and Scripture helped me deal with criticism more effectively.
Perhaps some younger Christian leaders can benefit from some of the lessons I've learned.
All effective leaders are criticized. If you are at the front line of the battle, you will probably be hit. It's that simple. We are involved in an intensified spiritual warfare and the enemy becomes increasingly malicious and stingy. One gets the impression that if the world only proves that Christians are false, they will feel justified in their unbelief.
If you dare to speak the truth of God or try to lead the people of God, you will be attacked and labeled as zealous, hypocritical, or foolish. Be safe! Hang on cowboy, for the bull is tough! Or as my brother would say, "Stiff upper lip, Danny, be British! Oswald Sanders, in his classic book Spiritual Leadership, suggests that maturity is moving from thin skin and hard heart to a soft heart and hard skin.
Consider the source. Is it a small, mean person who's complaining or someone you respect? If it comes from someone you have in high regard, evaluate carefully. Perhaps the Lord is using them to point out a blind spot in your life or work. However, if criticism comes from a Sambalat or Tobias of insignificant mind, then it is not worth the time and effort to answer it.
Evaluate the objection. If the review has any validity, receive it gracefully and make the necessary adjustment. If it does not, ignore it and move on.
If during a dream, you are going to the bathroom, wake up! That is a trap! It's the same trap, responding to petty criticism. The critic is too angry to hear reason. They just want to vent. It is a waste of time to respond to grossly false criticism, and generally gives more validity to objection than it deserves. And the one who gets dirty when you wake up is you!
Keep your focus on the ultimate goal. Do not murmur and grumble about critics. This takes your mind off your primary responsibility. Do not let Satan distract you from what needs to be done.
Our task is to please Christ, not men. His is the only opinion that matters. People are so fickle. The same people who criticize you today may be singing your praises tomorrow.
Find a way to get it out of your mind. If I can not get a criticism out of my mind and it is affecting my mood or distracting me, I write exactly what I would like to say without any concern to be kind.
However, I do not immediately send this communication unattended. I wait a day or two and never finish sending it in its original form - and rarely mailing it.
But, venting my feelings in a letter, I took them out of my head and entered the computer screen. So it's easier to forget and focus on the task at hand again.
Get bolder. The temptation is to become timid and completely avoid controversy. That's what the enemy wants! But Jesus warned: "Whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words shall be ashamed of the Son of man, when he shall come in his glory, and in that of the Father and of the holy angels" (Luke 9.26)
Do not let the intimidating tactics of the enemy intimidate you. Speak the truth in love, but speak the truth. King David exhorted, "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he redeemed from the hand of the enemy" (Psalm 107. 2)
First-century Christians were threatened with prison and death if they continued to speak about the resurrected Jesus in public. They did not back down or become more cautious. They prayed: "Now therefore, O Lord, look upon their threats, and grant unto thy servants that they speak with all boldness thy word; While you stretch out your hand to heal, and to do signs and wonders for the name of your holy Son Jesus. And when he had prayed, the place where they were gathered was moved; and all were filled with the Holy Spirit, and boldly proclaimed the word of God "(Acts 4.29, 31).
Give thanks to God for the persecution. Jesus exhorted us when persecuted to "Blessed are ye, when they revile and persecute you, and tell you all the evil against you for my sake. Rejoice and rejoice, for great is your reward in heaven; for so persecuted the prophets which were before you. "(Matthew 5. 11-12) When we can praise God and be thankful for all the criticisms, we know that we are growing in spiritual maturity and following in the footsteps of prophets like Nehemiah.
When criticism comes in the form of accusations of something you've done in the past, remember something that my dad says when he gets criticized. "Both God and Satan reminded me of my past sins, your criticism, is the third time I hear about my mistakes, what side does your criticism come from?"
On a walk with a group of Boy Scouts, we learned to deal with the critiques in life, the misgivings of the stingy and the challenges of the great and mighty as we sang a marching song that said:
Coconut break, coconut break,
on the slope of the mountain,
Boy Scout, you break your coconut,
and then go back to work.
Believe me if you will
what on top of that hill
has three meters of sausage,
running after a dog.
Coconut break, coconut break,
on the slope of the mountain,
Boy Scout, you break your coconut,
and then go back to work.
I went down the Sugar Loaf hill,
seized on a string,
I risked my life,
but I saved the Scout Girl.
For you to talk to me,
Wash your mouth with coconut
For your mouth is smelling
something like a vulture's gut
Coconut break, coconut break,
on the slope of the mountain,
Boy Scout, you break your coconut,
and then go back to work.
Let them criticize, at first we break the coconut, but then, we go back to work.
DCG
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